1. |
but i love your thighs
03:21
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i think you're beautiful even when you don't think so. I think you're beautiful even when you're not.
I'm not trying to romanticize your sadness, I just want you to be okay.
I like you, but you'll never notice.
I'll give you all of my self worth if it means you stay alive.
Please don't kill yourself, let me kiss your thighs.
Because I've been there myself before and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone but myself. I want better for you and myself.
I just want to see you smile.
I like you, but you'll never notice.
I'll give you all of my self worth if it means you stay alive.
Please don't kill yourself, let me kiss your thighs.
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2. |
but it's never enough
03:53
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I'm sorry for being so emotional. I've hurt more than I could ever take back.
I just get so caught up in my future that I forget how to live in the present.
So here's a song so I never forget about the kind of piece of shit I am. You are, so I am. You are, so I am someone who cannot forgive themselves for the sins they have committed and you are the victim. You are the victim.
I'm sorry for waking up.
It's never enough just to stay alive.
No, it's never enough just to stay alive.
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3. |
and to everyone
03:25
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I wasn't supposed to wake up. I turn to my phone and then I talk to you.
Mom, I am so sorry, I never discussed these issues.
Dad, I am so sorry, you were never the goddamn issue.
It's the last day of my life and everyone I love is still alive.
Their lives will go on and then mine will not.
Because it's never enough just to stay alive.
It's never enough to be by someone's side.
It's never enough, because I don't belong here.
And to everyone: I'm sorry.
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4. |
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I saw a car that looked just like yours today in front of the coffee shop where we used to play Scrabble when we were both home from college: a baby-blue Honda, a two-door with headlights that tapered to a point on the edges of the hood. I froze up momentarily as I turned into the parking lot. I was debating shooting straight through, turning around, and driving back home. I haven’t been consciously avoiding you this winter, but when a man in a brown workman’s coat turned a key in the door of the car, I felt so relieved.
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5. |
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Being home is watching movies all day and walking downtown with my glasses hung on my shirt so everything goes fuzzy and no one is recognisable and nothing seems quite real. I am worse than the coffee you left on the table in December in the dead of winter. There are more people who I’m terrified to see than there are people I’d like to spend the evening catching up with. I feel constructed.
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6. |
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In January, I entered my final semester of college and what will probably be my last year at home. I’ll miss the way fresh snow feels under thick boots, constantly melted and replenished by the cycles of Midwestern winter. I’ll miss the idea that I’m someone with potential and that after this comes something better. As last year came to a close, I sat on John’s couch with his friends eagerly anticipating the future.
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Personality Disorders New York
Songs to fall asleep to.
Bedroom recordings; May 2013-January 2016.
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