1. |
expressionlessness
03:44
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In my genes I have my father's depression and my mother's anxiety. These diseases blend together the way my parents did, unevenly. At times I am overwhelmingly happy around beautiful people and other times I am as ugly as I feel. When I am ugly, it is called expressionlessness.
Like my father, depression cuts into me slowly like knives that are sharpened to get the point across or an endless ether of unfulfilled relationships with people I cannot trust, no matter how much I may want to. It's a quiet sort of sadness on my father's face that won't leave mine alone, silent acceptance to seem less unbecoming. I share varicose veins and I plan to leave this world the same way I came into it, screaming out of irritability, for the sole sake of irritability and nothing else.
As for my mother, we are both anxious messes and as a result are manipulative people. I cannot let anyone live their life unless I specifically know how they are living their life. I so deeply engrave myself into the air bubble of the lives of those I love and I take and take and take and take until there is no more oxygen, ultimately suffocating love for a quieter space. I share eating habits and a distraught sense of self due to both of us being abused at young age by someone we didn't know well enough. Never fully in moments, hours will pass like seconds and simultaneously we will complain about all we have to do.
But nothing will ever finish. We will always be the same people, meant to spend our lives repeating the same mistakes and falsely labeling it as growth.
I am the blend. I have expressionlessness.
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2. |
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I am not afraid of ghosts. I am not afraid of the things that haunt my head. You are a ghost now, but you don't haunt my head.
And you don't know how to be so lonely this Halloween.
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3. |
when
02:20
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I'm gaining weight and losing time over someone who cannot find the time to talk to me.
"But it's not your fault" I wrote almost a year ago and I stuck to it. "But it's not your fault" I wrote almost a year ago and I am sticking to it. So don't go telling everyone you know I'm an asshole because I tried to talk to you about potential abuse. I am not over this.
I'm gaining weight and losing time over someone who will pay me no peace of mind, or a life to call mine, or anything of that kind. So say when you want to and we will talk about it.
Because I gained all this weight from holding in the things I couldn't say. And I still feel guilty about it.
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4. |
girl
00:54
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come find me
you know me
you want me
but you don't know
you were a girl but i was too
(say when you want to
say how and i will do)
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5. |
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Watch your life pass you by, you are the one who passed me by but I’m sure you didn’t mean to. Look at me I’m a nervous wreck in front of all the ones I love. You are the one I love, I’m sure.
But again, it’s not your fault. I’m so scared of what will happen.
When I used to love your face I was never so afraid of the consequences of my actions, but I was young and stupid then. But I am so much older now, I am so much healthier now, and I will never blame you for this again, I will never make that mistake again.
But again, it’s not your fault. I’m so scared of what could still happen.
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6. |
shit talker
04:58
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Coming back down after staring at the ground. You look so much different right now. I find it hard to trust you, not because I don't want to, just because you swore you'd never lie.
Just like I never told a lie when I didn't know your name. I was too much of an asshole then but in your eyes I didn't exist.
Talking shit about you while always thinking about you, I guess I haven't changed much at all. I find it hard to move on because everyone relies on rumors left for dead last Fall.
So who's talking shit about you now?
Like I did back in high school
When I didn't know your name
I was barely even there
But in your eyes I didn't exist
It's so hard to watch you smile like it's so hard to be okay for a while.
(Will today feel the same with no one to blame for my inability to move on? I get so tired of your name)
(The weight I've gained is yet to be lost. My veins are heavy from carrying you around)
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Personality Disorders New York
Songs to fall asleep to.
Bedroom recordings; May 2013-January 2016.
Personality Disorders recommends:
You in the Heart of Everyone
by Fear Not Ourselves Alone
If you enjoyed PD, you might like my current project that picks up where PD left off. Fear Not Ourselves Alone is a band about everything you've never said outloud.
go to albumIf you like Personality Disorders, you may also like:
Delicate, plangent singer-songwriter material that feels like its petals could fall at any moment.
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Oakland singer-songwriter honors her Haitian heritage with five R&B spirituals overflowing with radiance, fueled by her soft, angelic voice.
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A Mutable Feast or: The Ghost of a Flea
by John Donne
Lovely folk-based music with soft corners and dreamlike melodies, full of fairy-tale-like enchantment.
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Ian Russell took isolation as a chance to get closer with his guitar, resulting in this lovely set of meditative acoustic instrumentals.
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