The initial inspiration for "Hands" came from Sherwood Anderson's "Winesburg, Ohio", specifically the section entitled "Hands". One line struck me from this section, it read, "'You are destroying yourself,' he cried. 'You have the inclination to be alone and to dream and you are afraid of dreams.'". This line eventually led me to think of artists who lost their lives at their own hands and where I place myself in relation to them.
"Take Your Life Back" came about when I got my wisdom teeth removed this past summer. I woke up from anesthetics and started crying, as my mother held me she chuckled and said I would be okay. The only words I could mouth but not say aloud were, "I was raped when I was 15". It shocked me that the anesthetics brought out the part of me that only comes out in my music. That day while recovering I grabbed my guitar and improvised between a C and G chord while singing that line among others over and over. Eventually, I decided to write an actual song inspired by that one moment where I was able to be so open with myself.
These are two last two songs recorded for Personality Disorders. Thank you for listening.
released January 8, 2016
Recorded January 2016 at The Closet Mansion.
The artwork is by my wonderful friend Alex Dunn.
Thank you to everyone who has supported this project and made me feel so loved.
I watched your mother die, 1995. She sleeps like Hemingway, you'll go like Sylvia and I will die like Elliott Smith, even if I don't like him. I, I just want his hands.
And I thought about who I was then: All the songs that I wrote when I was 17 and how they led to the Virgin Mary, and how she led to David Foster Wallace. His hands- it takes some courage to take your own life into your hands. I want the courage, I want to end it. I want my head stuck in the oven. I want a knife and I want a shotgun, so I can be your object of desire.
Because it gets pathetic when you cannot end it. I want the courage, I want to end it.
Track Name: Take Your Life Back
I was raped at 15, it took five years to say that confidently. Told myself I'd never be worth it, or that I was a product of a social justice machine.
But when I take this song over to Dan's house, we'll put some drums behind the things we don't like. He won't like this song because it gets so boring shouting my story for money and attention. But I like money and attention, it makes up for the dignity I lost. So if it sounds like I am a vain human being, well maybe you're right, but goddamn I am true. And no one can ever take that from you. Yes, not even "you" can take that from me.